im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
