I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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