When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
