I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize