i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
