I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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