Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
