first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
