I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
did i walk over a car last night?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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