I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
