Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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