i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Randomize
