genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
