from now on my penis is your penis
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
