She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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