if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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