So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
