I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
