I puked a lego.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
