I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
