Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
