Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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