I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize