Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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