No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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