the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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