We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
