Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize