In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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