If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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