You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
