pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
