Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
