So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
