so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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