dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
