Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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