is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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