you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
