im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
