If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
