It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
