I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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