Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
