i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
