I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
