matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
