Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sext me about skeletons
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
