Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
