Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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