i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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