Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
They are going to name an STD after you.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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