Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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