i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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