if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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