So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
