I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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