I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
