Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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