can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
