I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
