ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
