Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
