Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
