This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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