he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
